Back to Square One

It’s been a while since I wrote something here. Been meaning to, but life has its way to distract myself from the things I should (yes, should) be doing or focusing into. Maybe I am blaming it for my own recklessness to feel less guilty or to avoid being responsible for what I’ve stopped doing or just not started. My legendary lack of discipline is at it again, not allowing me to just transcend this fake reality into something I know exists, but it is out of reach somehow. The body had this experience a while ago but since I did not know what was happening, it simply faded away never to return, but leaving this bittersweet feeling of what is out there, without any clues on how to get it back.

My efforts have been short-lived, inconsequential and empty. No techniques, methods, teachers or approaches have worked so far, perhaps because at some level, I am not letting them. It seems I simply enjoy wallowing on my own shit, telling myself I want out but never doing something tangible to achieve it.

I re-read some of my past ramblings recently and I was sorely disappointed to see almost nothing has changed in all these years. So, the lingering question appears again: Shall I simply give up? Why this nagging feeling keeps appearing from time to time telling me I need to push forward, but without any directions about how to do so? The general state of affairs seems to be stuck in a limbo with no drive to move anywhere, but longing to do so.

Sometimes I wonder why I still think there is someone / something that will come to allow me to see the real world? The last attempts at this have been, as you can imagine, unsuccessful. The door is closed shut and nothing seems to be able to change the situation.

What to do, then? The eternal question hangs in the air, leaving me clueless and angry. At least, I’ve been consistent at this…

The Costanza Syndrome

Well, it seems the episode is ending now and things will go back to “normal” (Please note the quotes, they are important). What will happen from now on is anybody’s guess. The only certain thing is reality as I knew it is definitely over. The way we relate to each other will completely change after what has happened. I suppose this is inevitable. The shock and way to see things has left a big mark on both of us. The illusion of balance and equilibrium was blown up to smithereens in one single moment. Every thing that was built carefully and with the best intent is simply gone now. The centers are now shifted for good. And to add insult to injury, it seems our life and myself are “part of the problem”.

Sometime ago I watched certain Seinfeld episode where George starts dating a female inmate from a minimum security prison. He’s delighted that he’s the one in control, since he can visit her but she can’t do the same. Everything goes well until she escapes and pops up at George’s apartment. Things start to go downhill from there until she’s busted and the relationship ends. Somehow I am feeling in a similar situation. Right now this will be like living with a stranger and starting from scratch but sincerely I don’t know if I want or if I can to do that. As usual, time will tell…

Little Death

What a ride. The last few months had proven eventful and gruesome. Everything came at the same time. Feelings rushed in and clouded it all. I found myself being capable of feats I thought impossible in the past. Enduring suffering, sadness, vanishing energy and finding happiness, the will to move forward and supporting and caring for her in a way I did not know before. I don’t know if this can be called unconditional or true love, or simply fear of change. Perhaps I will never find out.

Shocking news arriving at the least expected moment. Seeing her enduring extreme suffering, trying to desperately help and understand. Then making decisions I never thought of making or even considering. Relief, worry, expectations, tiredness, feeling worn out and depleted, waiting without knowing until when or how. Not being able to slow down or rest and recover (at least for now). Thinking about the past, the present and the future, all at the same time. Being taken care of by many after taking care of many.

Life is definitely a strange matter. Unpredictable and twisted. Finding the house alone, without the possibility of communicating or following our usual and familiar ways, feels strange and alien. Talking about her like she was here no more for good (which is not the case) feels sad and a big emptiness fills my heart and soul. What will happen next is anybody’s guess. The future, as usual, is a mystery that can be full of hope and anticipation or fear and dread.

A little death has occurred and I still cannot fully grasp what this means. Life goes on, for better or worse. Everything is timely is my personal mantra nowadays. But sometimes doubts appear here and there about the perfection of the happenings of the world. I suppose this is the price we pay for being human…

So fucking great…

Don’t get me wrong. But it feels like you’re about to be murdered by someone that is sharpening its knife and you say: “Do you need any help with that?”

Again, life has this incredibly annoying and effective way to make you believe everything is fine and you will live happy forever after and suddenly, at the least expected moment, all blows up leaving you in this very uncomfortable state of bewilderment and disappointment.

Who is right and who is wrong? I don’t know and I don’t really care anymore. The frustration is big and the continuous sighs do not solve anything. No matter what you do, it seems you’re always missing something. The words were not enough, your good intentions were not good enough, the stability, quiet and peace proved to be something very boring and to be avoided at all costs. The experiences are the most important thing in the world (so they say), and no matter how hard you try, there’s something there that is still bothering both of us, knowing deeply that something broke and the story is over as we know it. It does not mean that there has to be an ending to it, but who knows if what is about to come will be good and enjoyable for me.

Stupid me, believing that this was it, that this is what it was meant to be, finally finding that much sought balance. Again, life has proven me wrong.

The next question is: what do I still have to learn? What am I missing? Again, I don’t know and the will to discover it is fading fast and if I want to bother anymore.

Time will tell what’s next, as usual. Nonetheless, the bitterness of the outcome is still there and it is very, very uncomfortable…

 

Role-less

What happens when the roles you have been representing your whole life, more or less successfully, come to an abrupt end? I am not talking about losing a job or changing cities, partners or countries. Nor doing a pointless job without future or no hint of satisfaction or accomplishment (unfortunately my current situation) but to see that the very core of your personality is challenged by a sudden situation where you cannot be “you” anymore. A place where almost all your abilities, traits, charm and wisdom (if there’s any) are swiftly and mercilessly removed and you are left clueless and helpless knowing nothing about what is going on anymore.

They say you have to “roll with the punches”, “adapt and thrive”, “get up, dust off and carry on” and so on and so forth. This might happen when at least a bit of what defines you as a human being is left alone and you can hold to it to push yourself upwards. But what happens when you find yourself deprived of all your super-powers and at the mercy of any situation that arises? When you are not able to do what you do anymore and when you try, your good intentions are just discarded or scrutinized to the point of just ignoring them? What to do with the supposed courtesy and love in return of anything you say or do?

Someone I know says you have to dissolve your personality. Is this it? Do you simply have to comply with anything and anybody that appears in your life? I used to believe the personality dissolving stuff happened when you chose so, but it seems that nothing you say, do or think have any effect on this strange reality. And last but not least, if this is the ultimate goal, if the “say yes more” mantra is the real deal and the way to go, why do I feel so awfully uncomfortable? Why this headache? Why do I see my cat and think that just some days ago, he was loved and appreciated by her and now, after someone’s words, he has become a nuisance and a possible health hazard? Why do I have to be very careful of what I say because of the fear of offending or disturbing someone? Why my words are now so unnecessary?

What is going on? Why do I feel so out of place and ignored? So fucking useless?

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